The torture session

I ummed and aahed about the hygienist. The devil on my shoulder reminded me of the many awful torture sessions I had at the hands of hygienists. The angel on my other shoulder nagged me about the need to have clean teeth before the braces go on and pointed out that things must have changed since I last visited a hygienist.

In the end I listened to the angel and booked myself in.

I arrived at the clinic with some trepidation. The hygienist, Kate, came to collect me from the waiting room. She didn't look like Caligula. Well, she wouldn't would she? She's not a man. She didn't look like Agrippina, either.

I warned her about my wariness and she took it all in her stride. Then the pointy instruments came out.

Prod, prod, prod. Didn't hurt a bit.

"Everything looks pretty good" she pronounced. "Floss like mad before the braces go on, because it will be difficult afterwards."

Then she got out a fiercer looking instrument. Prod, prod. CRUNCH. CRUNCH.

"Those crunchy sounds are just tartar coming away." she said. I was beginning to wonder if she had somehow slipped me a valium without my noticing, because despite the prods and crunches, nothing hurt. At all. And I was quite calm.

All of a sudden she put away her pointy instruments and got out some tape. TAPE! The "valium" wore off instantly. The tape/floss regime had been the last straw with previous hygienists. Have you ever had somebody else floss your teeth? No? Lucky you. My teeth are very close together and as they are not straight it takes a lot of care to glide the floss between them and get it down to the gum line without it suddenly flying out at the bottom of the teeth and chopping into your gum like a cheese wire. It's bad enough doing it yourself. All the hygienists in the past have sliced my gums with gusto with their tape.

I clutched the arms of the couch and waited. The tape rasped slowly down between my teeth. I braced myself for the slice. It didn't come. "Fluke" I thought, and braced myself again as she moved on to the next area. Surely the slice would come soon. It never did.

Then came the glorious announcement "I'll just polish those teeth for you and then we're finished."

As I left, I told her that she is the first on my list of hygienists who are safe to visit.